Next Mood Swing Is In Three Minutes

Today my emotions are all over the place. Thrilled that my daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on the 4th. Anxious because so many bills are due today and we paid them by the skin of our teeth. Happy because I just rewarded my own hard work by buying an ankh from Etsy. I've searched for a long time for an ankh I liked. It's the Egyptian symbol of eternal life. Tired because I still have this cough and congestion. Ecstatic because I just found out I can handle the Second Life game with my broadband connection when I didn't think I'd be able to. Frustrated because I haven't been well enough to look for more work or do much work in my studio. Today was definitely a mixed bag of blessings.

Baby Girl

I'm having one of those 'I want to scream' Internet moments when I just can't get something that should be simple to work right. So I'm going to let that go for awhile and talk to you instead.

Today we drove all the way to Apple Valley (30 miles) to deposit one check.  Then when I got home there was another check in my mailbox. It made me think one of those cellphone with the app to deposit checks would save us some time and money.

I almost forgot to tell you my good news. My daughter just gave birth to my first granddaughter. She was born around dinner time yesterday and weighed 9 lbs. and 13 oz. I got the phone call about 7 PM and everyone on the other end sounded very happy. I'm a little jealous that my ex-husband got to be there and I didn't.  With this cold I wouldn't have gone anyway, even if I didn't live over 300 miles away.

Crossing My Fingers

I'm feeling much better today but I'm still having trouble focusing. I can't seem to stay focused on things that will earn me money. I am also very distracted by knowing my daughter may be having her baby this afternoon. The hospital released her but then the labor pains got worse, so she's going back. So I don't know if this is the big moment or another false alarm. I wish I was there. I'll have to wait for updates just like everyone else. I know it's going to be a girl and the name Emma Louise popped into my mind, though they haven't told me the name yet.

My day's been kind of mixed up. I had baked potatoes with roasted garlic and sour cream for breakfast. Then I had pancakes for lunch. So my taste buds are confused from the cold in my nose. That and we haven't gone grocery shopping since we have both been sick. I need to create some income and fast, so I hope I am well enough to focus soon.

Write a Poem

I recently joined a site called http:poetink.com and they just published my first two poems. It's a brand new site. I'm member 36 so it must have just started. And you have to submit each poem before it appears, which is good because it will keep those with ill intent from flooding the site with garbage. So if you write poetry or read poetry or both, check them out. I'm sure they can use the traffic. My name there is Red Quill, if you want to add a friend. You can submit 2 original poems per day.

The Long Awaited T-shirt

When I was leaving the grocery store parking lot, a truck cut me off. The bumper sticker said 'Life is hard. Its even harder when you are stupid.'

Hypnotic Trance Belly Dance

I had someone take a photo of me wearing my new t-shirt. When I looked at it, as usual I was disappointed. I tried to take a few more of my back. He asked what I was doing. I said, "I'm trying to take a photo of me where I don't look like a trucker."  My back looks as broad as a billboard. That's why in 99% of my photos, I only show my face. The design looks off center, but I just checked it and I'm the one that is off center.

Feeling Melancholy

Just when I'm finally getting over this cold, my lover has taken sick. I was hoping he wouldn't catch it. But he just went to bed at 8:30, which is totally unlike him. He's a guy. He doesn't want me to take care of him. He won't ask for help. When I'm sick I want all the help I can get.

I want my body back. But when I get sick, I can't exercise or even have the energy to put on make-up and fix my hair. I hate that. The Internet only makes it worse because I see all these gorgeous belly dancers and actresses and musicians. All my life I wanted that and never even came close. I've seen gorgeous women with half my talent succeed beyond my wildest dreams. I've seen their Etsy shops take off like wildfire when they are selling virtual the same thing I am. I've seen faux hypnotists with no experience whatsoever bat their big fake eyelashes and men follow behind them like drooling dogs. One former client of mine kept paying this blonde woman for hypnosis sessions on line, even though she'd never done a single session for him.  I asked him why he kept paying when obviously she was a fraud.  He said, "Have you seen her photo? She's gorgeous." Who knows if that was even her photo or one she got from a model shoot on Flickr? The whole thing is so frustrating. I thought that when I was over 30, or over 40, or over 50 I wouldn't care anymore. But I can't seem to let it go. Until I feel super successful, I'll always feel like I never lived up to my potential or got my dreams to work for me.

Dreams and Wishes

Right now I can't stop thinking about going to the Cairo Carnival on the Queen Mary. It's a belly dance extravaganza. And I also keep thinking about going to the International Juggler's Associations yearly conventions again. I stopped going to all those things when I had kids to feed and bigger things eating my life up. I'm tired of missing out on life. The question is, where am I going to generate the money to get my life back on track before I'm too old to enjoy traveling? I need to rejoin the Middle Eastern Cultural and Dance Association and the I.J.A. What you focus on gets stronger so I'm going to keep trying to get what I want.