Heather is Here. Or is she?

Last night I had to sleep in a recliner. So when I got up at 7 AM feeling like a truck had hit me I crawled into an empty bed and fell back asleep. Usually that causes me to have lucid dreams.  This time I dreamed I lived in a giant clean house. My boyfriend was there fiddling with a thermostat looking thing on the wall. Suddenly the whole house started to rotate, which freaked me out. I kept asking him what he was doing. Then when I got up, each window had a different view than before, which left me feeling disoriented. I walked into a giant sunken living room attached to a higher dining area.  At the table was my little girl Heather. She was about 6 or 7. She was making an art project. I was so happy I kept saying, "Heather is here. Heather is here." I swear I said it so loud, I must have been talking in my sleep. I kept asking myself if she was real. And my mind would answer, "Of course she is real; she is standing right there'. She got up and started to walk over to me. Her blond hair was back-lit by the sun and she had a big smile on her face.

The I woke up and realized it was just a dream. I was sad that she wasn't really here. In fact she turned 31 yesterday, and has two kids of her own and lives far away. I just talked to her on the phone last night and she was very happy.

My daughter holding my grandson.

Feeling Melancholy

Just when I'm finally getting over this cold, my lover has taken sick. I was hoping he wouldn't catch it. But he just went to bed at 8:30, which is totally unlike him. He's a guy. He doesn't want me to take care of him. He won't ask for help. When I'm sick I want all the help I can get.

I want my body back. But when I get sick, I can't exercise or even have the energy to put on make-up and fix my hair. I hate that. The Internet only makes it worse because I see all these gorgeous belly dancers and actresses and musicians. All my life I wanted that and never even came close. I've seen gorgeous women with half my talent succeed beyond my wildest dreams. I've seen their Etsy shops take off like wildfire when they are selling virtual the same thing I am. I've seen faux hypnotists with no experience whatsoever bat their big fake eyelashes and men follow behind them like drooling dogs. One former client of mine kept paying this blonde woman for hypnosis sessions on line, even though she'd never done a single session for him.  I asked him why he kept paying when obviously she was a fraud.  He said, "Have you seen her photo? She's gorgeous." Who knows if that was even her photo or one she got from a model shoot on Flickr? The whole thing is so frustrating. I thought that when I was over 30, or over 40, or over 50 I wouldn't care anymore. But I can't seem to let it go. Until I feel super successful, I'll always feel like I never lived up to my potential or got my dreams to work for me.

Dreams and Wishes

Right now I can't stop thinking about going to the Cairo Carnival on the Queen Mary. It's a belly dance extravaganza. And I also keep thinking about going to the International Juggler's Associations yearly conventions again. I stopped going to all those things when I had kids to feed and bigger things eating my life up. I'm tired of missing out on life. The question is, where am I going to generate the money to get my life back on track before I'm too old to enjoy traveling? I need to rejoin the Middle Eastern Cultural and Dance Association and the I.J.A. What you focus on gets stronger so I'm going to keep trying to get what I want.