Friday, February 1, 2013

Feeling Melancholy

Just when I'm finally getting over this cold, my lover has taken sick. I was hoping he wouldn't catch it. But he just went to bed at 8:30, which is totally unlike him. He's a guy. He doesn't want me to take care of him. He won't ask for help. When I'm sick I want all the help I can get.

I want my body back. But when I get sick, I can't exercise or even have the energy to put on make-up and fix my hair. I hate that. The Internet only makes it worse because I see all these gorgeous belly dancers and actresses and musicians. All my life I wanted that and never even came close. I've seen gorgeous women with half my talent succeed beyond my wildest dreams. I've seen their Etsy shops take off like wildfire when they are selling virtual the same thing I am. I've seen faux hypnotists with no experience whatsoever bat their big fake eyelashes and men follow behind them like drooling dogs. One former client of mine kept paying this blonde woman for hypnosis sessions on line, even though she'd never done a single session for him.  I asked him why he kept paying when obviously she was a fraud.  He said, "Have you seen her photo? She's gorgeous." Who knows if that was even her photo or one she got from a model shoot on Flickr? The whole thing is so frustrating. I thought that when I was over 30, or over 40, or over 50 I wouldn't care anymore. But I can't seem to let it go. Until I feel super successful, I'll always feel like I never lived up to my potential or got my dreams to work for me.

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