Dwelling on Dreams

Today I started several new blogs and made new Pinterest boards to go with them. I like to give my creativity free rein, even if it seems crazy sometimes. I need input, fresh things to work on, new things to ponder.

And speaking of pondering, we were watching the first Harry Potter movie again. Remember when Harry was staring into the magic mirror and Dumbledore said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." And I realized in that moment that my 'magic mirror' was the Internet. I can fantasize about all my dreams without actively pursuing any of them, and I think that's really been holding me back for the last ten years. In the mirror I see all my dreams being realized, only it's an illusion. Once I leave Youtube or Pinterest or Facebook, I still haven't gotten closer to my dreams.  

Musings on Life and Veteran's Day

I wrote this on Facebook and decided to repost it here so I don't lose track of it.

I just want to take a pause today. Trying to survive I have an iron in many a fire, and in a way I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered. Yesterday I sat in my zen garden so I could have a moment alone. A big black raven flew by and I could hear its wings beating against the air.

I have a few energy vampires in my life. One is innocent enough but for some reason she wants to wedge herself into my life. And the other is just a brat, demanding and whining until I can hardly bear him. What kind of person do I need to evolve into to attract the kind of people I want and need in my life? I think I need mentors, but I don't need micro-managers.

I also just unfriended someone who believes our country should be government and religion all melted into one big lump of glass. What happened to the separation of church and state? Is that no longer a valued truth? As we approach Veteran's Day, I ponder how they fought so we could have freedom, including freedom of religion. That means we can't meld our government into 'God and Country' when people have the freedom to believe in various forms of god or to not believe in god or to be undecided. Or to put it bluntly 'when government and religion are combined, people get burned at the stake.'

The foothills are glorious today. As soon as the chill is off the air, I plan to sit and gaze at the beauty of nature, and realize I belong to the Earth, not the other way around.

Halloween is Upon Us

Halloween is upon us. I wasn't in the mood to decorate, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity either. So I got some cheapo stuff at the .99 store and did a bit of porch decorating. Pumpkins were too expensive so I passed on those.  If they go on clearance I'll grab one later. I like having one to use all the way through harvest and up until Thanksgiving.

I found some awesome gloves for my Slytherin witch costume at the .99 store. My only regret is I didn't snap up the white and pink ones too. They had no black. I imagine those sold out in the first day they were on the shelves. But I wanted acid green to match the Slytherin colors.

I volunteered to do face-painting at a Halloween event. Normally I charge for such things but I need to get my name out there in this community. I've been here a year and only had one gig. So yeah...free...but I'll hand out cards and have flyers. And if a paid gig comes up for Halloween night, I'm taking that one too. This one ends at 7 PM so that gives me time to do a midnight tarot party or something. Halloween used to be my most lucrative month of the year. I feel sad to not be booked for the big events.

The Slytherin colors are green, silver (gray) and black. So I was thrilled to get these gloves for .99. Score.

Ugh Housework

I envy my friends and family that are good at cleaning and love to do it. I apparently have no Mary Poppins DNA whatsoever. Every minute spent washing dishes is total misery. I never get to the point with keeping house that I can smile and say, "Oh that's so much better now that it's clean and organized." In fact when a house is too clean it makes me twitchy. I hate packing. I hate unpacking. I hate giving yard sales where people paw through all my stuff & want everything for $1. I hate moving furniture. And everyone I've ever had a relationship figures women clean house, that's what they do, and they are so sorely disappointed.  I should come with a disclaimer: Doesn't do windows, or floors, or scrub tile.

Now don't get me wrong. I can work in a yard all day and be quite content. I can sew beads on for hours on end. I can paint empty houses inside or out and I love it. But sit me in front of a junk drawer or a garage that needs a makeover and I'll either be angry for the next 8 hours or burst into tears or both. Part of it has to do with being an empath, and part of it has to do with psychometry. Touching things overwhelms me with emotions and memories of my kids growing up, my divorce, my unhappy childhood, friends that have died, jobs I've had and lost, moves made under great stress, etc.

If I was ever rich the first thing I would do is hire housekeepers and scullery maids. Then I could spend my life on things I'm actually good at instead of feeling like a prisoner in my own home.

Money Mind Shift Downward Spiral

I remember when the first dollar type stores came out. At first I was embarrassed to go to them. Then I thought I'd see what it was all about. I was surprised that sometimes I'd find cool things there, well worth a dollar. I started going there to pick up gag gifts, or sundries for my suitcase, or a convenient birthday card, but mostly I still shopped at box stores. It was kind of a lark to go there.

I realized I had a big mind shift the other day when I went to Dollar General. Generally I stick to the .99 store or Dollar Tree.  So I'm at Dollar General and they still have great deals but they are $1-$5. per item. It's still a quarter of the price of Walmart, Target, or other box stores. But in my head I'm going, 'Why would I pay $3 for this make-up when I can wait a few days and get something like it at the $1 store?' I suppose if there were a .25 Store I'd shop at it instead.  And I'm not sure when it happened, but now I can't even afford to shop at Walmart or K-mart or Target or Sam's Club or Costco. I never thought I'd fall this far out of the middle class. I never thought I'd have to scrimp and save enough to go to Dollar Tree. What's happening to me?

Summertime in the Mojave

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It's been a hard week. Triple digits didn't help any; and for 2 of those days I thought I had a fever. I feel like the worst of it has passed and I got to work on crafts today and move some boxes so I don't feel so claustrophobic in here. I've been thinking of all my passions and dreams and wondering where they all went.

I am happiest when the sun goes down.  In fact last night I sat in a camping chair way out back and fell fast asleep with the cool breeze caressing my face. When I woke up I was a little scared. I still have an irrational or rational fear that I'll wake up to find my foot in a coyote's mouth.

As I walked back to the house, I saw a huge shooting star so close to the ground and burning bright green. I wasn't even looking up at the time, but the light was so bright, I looked up to see what it was.

Pink Cactus Flowers

Sunflowers that grew all by themselves.

Sunrise in the Mojave

Poets Are Dreaming

Sometimes I stay awake all night because I still have a wild streak and rebel against those silly notions of wrist watches and grandfather clocks and bedtimes. The world is quieter, the stars are brighter, and I'm deliciously alone. Even the cat has gone to bed. The moon is waxing and set long ago. Somewhere sailors are navigating under the stars and writers are finishing up the final draft of their novels. Poets are dreaming of their first kiss or their last dance. Children are being conceived and ballet dancers are resting their sore and tired feet. There is magic in the dark that is gone with the light of day.

The Desert is my Front Yard

A few days ago when it started to cool off I went for a hike in the desert. My back hurt a lot, so it became a mosey instead, with frequent rest breaks. I got to take some beautiful photos though and thought I'd share them with you. I literally just have to walk across the street to get photos like this.

Cholla at sunset

Joshua tree at twilght

Family of Joshua Trees in Lucerne Valley CA

Sunlit cholla cactus

My favorite sunset photo from that day.

Striped rock

Through the creosote bushes.



Baby cholla

Sunset in August

San Luis Obispo Renaissance Faire Photos

After the joust.

Sword Dancer

Interesting Scimitar

Wish they were my drummers.

Greenman getting into the act.

My lovely eldest daughter

Hennin

Enjoying the joust.

Lance

Full of milk and very relaxed.

Mother and child

I used to work at this faire and now it has moved on without me. It is even in a new location. It moved from El Chorro Regional Park to Laguna Lake in San Luis Obispo, CA. But since I was visiting my daughter and her family wanted to go, I got to go too. I made a red tunic so my grandson could be a pirate. I let out the seams in my daughter's bodice because she's a different size after giving birth five months ago. Her husband's garb didn't fit either because he's been working out and can't get into his shirts! So we did the best we could. I had not brought my garb on the train of course, so I made do with what I had. Surprised it all turned out so well though. Huzzah!

I want gold.

Grandson dancing with my daughter.

Persian Glass Dance

Working On Vacation?

I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time to get back to work. I'm a strong person.  I need just to suck it up and get on with life. Maybe it is impossible to enjoy my vacation, but I just need to make the most of it in whatever way I can. So what if crafts are no longer fun because I'm depressed. It's better to finish things and make the most of the time. Enjoy the cool weather because once I get home it will be frying. Keep knitting. Keep juggling. Keep on keeping on. Today should not be wasted so no more tears.

Vacation Highlights

I'm about to end the first phase of my working vacation. The gig went great. Four face painters, of which I was one. That was a fun day as I both entertained and was entertained by the wandering juggler, the balloon artist and the magic show.

I got to see 2 out of 3 grandkids. We all got to go to the local Renaissance Faire and drool over fine jewelry, meat pies, jousting and the best people watching on Earth. People outdid themselves with Steampunk attire, fairy wings, metal wire woven into elf ears, fancy masks and strange weaponry.
I did a little juggling and worked with the juggling sticks. I bumped into one of my belly dancing students Jenna, who now runs her own dance studio. I met her friend Gina, who also teaches belly dancing, and met her daughter who is growing like a weed. I saw another face painter named Theresa. She had the face painting booth at the faire, where I've worked before but that was years ago.

I'm hoping to move back here some day.

Yesterday I saw a real deer walking past a fake deer. My daughter's house is nestled under oak trees.
I got to make a pirate outfit for my grandson to wear to the fair. My granddaughter also got a hat I made a few weeks ago. I started another monster hat for my grandson.  He enjoyed trying to play my mandolin. And my granddaughter is a sweet little thing who is teething and still happy most of the time.  I hate leaving them, but I need to get on with the rest of my vacation in Southern CA. I'm catching a train in an hour or two.

Watching the Magic Show by the A#1 Talent Company

'J' juggling on a unicycle.

Face Painter Fayme Harper

Random Stuff

I watched the movie Benny and Joon again. I am once again awed by the talent of Johnny Depp and I love his character of Sam.

I find traditional weddings extremely boring. So my daughter had me watching this reality show about fairy tale weddings. Both of the episodes I watched had black wedding gowns.  At least that was interesting. I wonder if I would have made a good wedding dress designer. I got married in 1982 and made my own wedding gown, bouquet, bridesmaid bouquets and most of the bridesmaids dresses.  It's amazing the lengths I will go to to save money. Even so, I was never one of those little girls that planned out my dream wedding, because I never planned to get married. I'd rather design ball gowns than wedding dresses.

Tomorrow I'm going to a Ren faire that I used to work at. I don't think I ever achieved my dream of being a star at a Ren faire. I was never thin enough or cool enough or savvy enough. I always blended into the background and didn't have enough talent to own the stage. So faires are always kind of sad and disappointing to me. But my grandkids deserve to see it. Maybe I can find the magic through their eyes. I also hate being seen in public being all old and fat. It depresses me.

I should be in bed right now because it is going to be a long weekend. I just feel all wound up. I finally get some alone time and I don't want to spend it sleeping.

I was happy when my daughter ordered pizza for dinner. At my new house, there are no pizza delivery places. I haven't had a pizza delivered since Easter, and that was also when I was at my daughter's house. My daughter usually cooks a very nice paleo dinner. But she was just out of it tonight. I was busy sewing. So pizza was a lifesaver. I had pepperoni and sausage.

It is so nice being on the cool central coast when it's about 104 degrees at my desert home. I don't even want to go back until fall. Or maybe never at all.

Okay I'm finally starting to get drowsy. I don't know what is up with Google, but they just 'assigned' me to another Youtube channel. I have about 12 Google email addresses.  Are they going to foist another Youtube channel on me under each name? Ridiculous. Before I noticed it wasn't even my usual Youtube channel I landed on when I typed in Youtube.com, I'd already favorite 2 videos and subscribed to someone. Then I'm like, "Oops, I don't want this account." I don't feel like hassling with deleting it right now, though I probably should. I already have 3 Youtube channels; one for hypnosis, one for crafts, and one for hypnosis. I don't need a fourth.

Okay, I'm going to force myself to at least lay down. Please follow my blog. It makes me more motivated to write.

Family Time

Today was a day full of good news and bad news, blessings and curses. It reminds me of a movie I just watched where there was a Latin saying that basically means out of bad things can come good.  Let's hope so.

There are changes I want to make in my life. I don't think I've been applying myself. In many ways I'd given up. I got tired of bashing my head against the wall. So I either need a harder head or to remove the walls.

The relationship I'm in isn't working for either of us. I either need to change it or leave it. I want to keep traveling so I need to figure out how to finance that. I need to continue my education somehow. I need to improve my fitness, which is on a terrible downward spiral. I can't continue on like this; being in pain every day. Not every moment; just when I stand up, sit down, or move.

I have five Etsy shops, all of which are empty except for 2 items I just renewed. I have a lot of things pointed to those shops, like Youtube videos. It's discouraging when nothing sells, but it's stupid to have empty shops which pretty much guarantees nothing will sell. I just bought more tools and parts so I can finish new jewelry to put in my Hypnotic Etsy shop. I somehow lost my jewelry pliers when I got on the train, so I had to buy new ones. Maybe they slid under my train seat or something when I was pulling things out of my project bag. At any rate I got a kit for $12.00.  Just the pliers alone were from $8 to $10, so it made more sense to get the kit, which comes with a plastic carrying box, pliers that work also as crimpers and wire cutters, a magnifying glass, tweezers and some other tools. My daughter gave me her 40% off coupon to use.

Great start but when I got home and helped take care of my 2 grandkids, the day got away from me and was over before I knew it. One is 2 years old and the other is 5 months old, so they need constant supervision. My daughter is exhausted at the end of each day. So anything I can do to help her is worth it. There was a family emergency going on, so her husband was busy sorting through that and making the necessary phone calls. In a way I'm glad his father passed on so he will never have to deal with what happened.

Lifestyle While Traveling

Bear with me. I'm really sleepy right now but haven't had time to post in days, so I wanted to do an entry.

I'm still traveling, living on the generosity of family and friends. It's been lovely but taxing. I'm trying to fit into the lifestyles of others. I miss my own schedule. But the weather has been great and I've spent a lot of time in parks. I've also gotten to watch movies and play computer games. I saw the new Lone Ranger movie. I liked it but since it just came out I don't want to spoil the plot for anyone.

Back home, my boyfriend found my ankh under the passenger seat. I had about given up on ever finding it again, so I'm happy about that. Now if only I could find my two missing library books before the fines get too high. Where could they be? So frustrating. It's a tiny house. How do we keep losing things in it?

I've been watching art journal DIY videos. I just don't seem to have the energy to work in my long hand journal lately. I have it sitting right next to me on a TV tray, but once the Internet goes on, I can't tear myself away from the magic box.

Driving home yesterday I spotted a small deer. It's the first and only one I've seen on this trip. We took a walk along a country lane last night and I saw a bunch of grapes growing amidst pear trees. Lovely.

My daughter is on the Paleo diet so I've gotten to experience some new recipes. I liked most of them. I couldn't quite get used to pureed broccoli though. The salmon was great. And the spaghetti squash with spaghetti sauce on it wasn't too bad.

The sleepiness is starting to overwhelm me.

Type more another day.

Off On An Adventure

The day will be spent packing for a journey by train; first northwest of here to the Central Coast, then from there to Southern CA. I can only carry 2 suitcases, and they will have to be small because I threw my back out a few days ago trying to get up off of an air mattress in the middle of the night to take care of the cat.

The weather here has been triple digits all week, so I can't wait to escape to the SLO area. Figuring out the itinerary was a bitch, because the only train that worked tomorrow was sold out. I had to give up a lot of my plans on Sunday in order to make a train in the middle of the afternoon. I hate HATE hate not having my own car anymore. And unless a money tree falls on me, I can't fix that problem anytime in the foreseeable future. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get into this hole.

The Other Shoe

Last night I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to fall. I went to bed at 10 PM, way early for me, because my bf had snubbed any desire I had to go out and do something romantic and fun on a Friday night. I dropped the idea when it went over like a lead balloon. My Internet connection hadn't worked most of the day, so after wasting an hour playing solitaire, waiting for the link to come up, I decided to just go to bed.
Only I couldn't sleep. I was still reading 'When God Was a Rabbit.'  I finally finished it at 1 AM but was still wide awake. So I tried my connection again, and still no go. I played solitaire until my eyes were blurry and finally went back to bed. Shortly after I fell asleep thuds against my window woke me up. Nothing there. Back to sleep. Thuds. What the heck.

Got up this morning, still no Internet. That's why I'm at the library now. But not before my boyfriend's mom called to tell us her husband was just read his last rites. So there was the other shoe falling. They aren't sure what is wrong other than the Alzheimers and the hip he just had surgery on. They were about to move him to another convelescent home or a hospice, but it doesn't look like he's going anywhere physically. She told us not to come down. He won't recognize us anyway. Sadness.

Surprised Guest

Our watch cat Wallop alerted me to an intruder this morning. Whatever it was had come down the chimney and was now in the wood burning stove. I peeked in, expecting a rat, and there was a very sooty unhappy cactus wren. So I shut the door, woke up Guy and asked for his advice. "Just reach in and grab it," says he. So I open the back door, put the cat in the bathroom, and open the door of the stove just a crack when out it flew. Now that it knew the way out of the box, it wasn't going to wait another second. Unfortunately it headed for the front door, which was still closed, bounced off some blinds, and spotted freedom through the kitchen.  And smacked right into the window over the sink. Ouch, that had to hurt. There it clung to a strainer in the utensil jar and refused to move. So I opened the front door too, and this time when it flew again it was right for Guy's head. Then it ended up behind some bookcases. There is only one other window in the living room without a blind over it, so that's the next spot it smacked into. After 3 or 4 attempts to get through the glass, I slithered behind the recliner, and opened the window, hoping the bird would stay put long enough for me to slide it open. Now that window doesn't have a screen so it perched on the edge, looking at freedom but figuring this was another trick glass pane. Finally it took off out the window.  So I let the cat out, who still thought his prize was in the stove, and continued walking around it for awhile.

Iguana and Quail

It's 102 degrees today. I made sure everything was thoroughly watered, then spent the rest of the day indoors under the swamp cooler and the fans. It helped a lot to wet down my tank top and put it back on.  It's supposed to be 104 on Saturday.

I saw my first desert iguana today. I used to have a pet green iguana. Imagine my surprise today when I looked out my front window and saw what looked like a sand colored iguana, about 3" from back to belly, and about a foot long. It was cruising through the sand I just watered heading for the joshua tree. I never saw it leave so maybe it is still in the tree. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desert_iguana

Then a few minutes ago, I saw a mom, a pop, and a baby quail heading for the chicken wire enclosure where I have the peppers planted. The little darling hopped right through the fence, leaving mom and dad outside.  I asked my boyfriend if they would abandon it there, and he said he didn't think so. As if they heard us, mom and dad both ran off. About 30 seconds later I see the little one pop up on a rock, dive through the fence, and take off like a rocket in the direction of the parents.

Queen's Champion Barony of Angels

Oh Look...Knees!

Clash

Red Shirt Guy

Honour your opponent.

The Dance

Drama

Ready to fight.

Double kill?

Shield block.

Now what?

Back view.

Bow to the one whose favor you bear.

Double elimination.

Grrr!

Hail Chivalry

Nice kit.

I would love to see this on a magazine cover.

Fancy shield.

Crunch

Low shot.

Don't hurt me.

Yesterday was the perfect escapism for me. I got to go to Queen's Champion Archery in the Barony of Angels aka Los Angeles CA. I wasn't that diligent about getting photos of all the activities. For some reason, every time I sat down I never wanted to get up again. And I was aggravated with my camera, which hasn't worked quite right since the day I fell down and smashed it on a rock. But of the photos I did get, I really liked them.  So I'll share them. Notice how green everything is? I miss green since moving to the desert.

There was also fencing going on on the other side of the field. Next time I'll write a list so I get some of everything. Also, dear photo fairy, I really need a new camera!